life update

SO it's been a while. A long while. A little over a year.
Last post I mentioned/complained about wanting to get pregnant. Well, that happened. My son was born on August 3rd and he is absolutely amazing! The whole thing was pretty surreal and still is, really. Being pregnant was, well, pretty crappy. I got all huge and awkward and couldn't really train so I spent the year swimming which was a good time. I missed kung-fu a great deal and did what I could when I could. Actually, the day before going into labor I was doing forms in my garage and spent a LOT of time on the heavy bag in hopes of inducing labor.

I think the funniest part of the whole pregnancy thing was how people started treating me differently. To be honest, I found that rather annoying. Really annoying. Like I was a delicate flower or something. And people felt the need to tell me how awful their pregnancies were, or how rough their delivery was. I promise you this: NO PREGNANT WOMAN WANTS TO KNOW HOW SHITTY YOUR BIRTH EXPERIENCE WAS!!!! NONE. Not one! Why? Because it creates anxiety and promotes nightmares. For what it's worth - the birth of my son was fine. Did it hurt? Of course it did! It's not supposed to feel great. Was the recovery pretty tough, yup! Is it something I'd do again? Yep. So it can't be that bad. Honestly, it was a true test of strength, and I passed it just fine.

So I'm a mom now. That changes everything and yet nothing all at once. I'm not just me, and we're not just us & the dogs. We're parents. Someone depends on us for absolutely everything and that is probably the most terrifying thing in the whole world. At the same time, it's beautiful. It's profound. There are no words to describe that type of love and there's no way to explain how all the inconveniences of being a parent just don't matter because you would do ANYTHING for that little person and you wouldn't think twice about it. And when I say ANYTHING, that's what I mean. Definitely the start of the biggest roller-coaster ever and I'm loving the ride.

Watching my son grow is probably the most fun I've ever had. It's crazy how fast it happens (I know, they all say that, but wow is it ever true!) From one week to the next I can see him go from "fitting into that pj just fine" to "Oh wow, we need to get him some new clothes!" It's awesome. Also, watching him learn new things and discover the world around him is precious and it's forcing me to look at the world from a whole new lens and it's a beautiful lens where everything is just so darned fascinating! A reminder of perspective, the little things, the present moment, true beauty.

I worked hard after he was born at getting back to my old self. I was thrilled to have my body belong to me (mostly) again. I started by walking and worked my way up to jogging and running. I started doing yoga quite seriously and that was probably one of the most spiritually meditative things I've done in years. I am in love with yoga. I went back to kung-fu a ridiculously enthusiastic student who just wanted to devour every workout. It was PHENOMENAL! Here I am, 4 months postpartum and I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Wow! That part is wonderful.

There is one problem these days though, and it's really giving me a rough time. It's a long story, but the short version is that I have a herniated disc in my low back now from catching my 60 lb dog from falling down the stairs because she was partially paralyzed. Now, well, I can't even go from my car to the other end of wal-mart to buy diapers. It's sad. It's pathetic. It's depressing as hell. The infuriating part? I work my TAIL off. I eat well. I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I limit my drinking. Yet I can't walk normally and had to be hospitalized a couple weeks ago because I couldn't get up off the bathroom floor where I had blacked out from the pain. It was embarrassing! And meanwhile there are idiots who take their bodies for granted and treat themselves horribly and they can walk just fine! Meanwhile, I have a hard time setting my four month old down in his crib and sometimes my leg cramps up while I'm changing him or going from one end of the floor to the other. The thought of going down the stairs with him is horrifying. It's a terrifying thing to be a new mom in the hospital, on morphine, having to supplement feed with formula, on a mat leave income wondering how the hell you're gonna lift your child when your husband goes back to work. I don't wish that on anyone. This has had me pretty down the past little while and I hope the feeling passes and that it improves. I've been doing everything I was asked to do by my doctor and am getting massage and physio. Oh, and I tried to talk to my family because I needed support, but all they do is preach chiropractic and it drives me because I don't have faith in that profession and am not willing to go that route. Rather than support me, they treat me like a child even though I'm a 30 year-old woman who is seeking treatment and that treatment is working. It's a slow recovery, but it's safe and it's working. Why mess with that? All I need is emotional support. Yet, somehow, that's not happening from the people I need to have there the most. And that sucks. That really, really sucks. And none of it is fair, and none of it is how it should be and that breaks my heart and it breaks ME a little bit.

Wow. I guess I had a bit of venting to do.

So things aren't perfect, but nothing is. Yet somehow in the midst of it all, I get uplifted every time I look at that perfect little face that's sleeping in his crib right now. I'm working hard at rehabilitation and am hoping to get back to yoga sometime soon and then eventually some kung-fu. Not sure if I'll ever be able to run like I used to, but swimming is somewhere at the end of the tunnel and that will be awesome too.

Life is good. It's complicated. It's imperfect and yet perfect in its own imperfection.
That is all. Continue as if you were normal.
-the Awe-Struck-Ninja

blah and blah

So this is my world as of right now.
Went to coffee with an old friend today. We chatted for several hours and it was fantastic. This is the second friend this week I've had the honour of visiting with. He brought up to me today that he'd had a huge crush on me back in the day (and by back in the day, I mean 11 years ago). Why do boys do this? If I wanted you to tell me that, I would have asked! And so the awkwardness ensued and it was all confusing and uncomfortable. I hate it when that happens. Why can't I just be good buds with someone without all the boy/girl bullshit? I'm married for christ's sake! I'm not interested! Had I been interested 11 years ago, I would have said so! (Or have hinted at it!)
I had that issue then too. I have old friends who I considered the closest people in the world back then who threw the old "I want to go out" bomb. I hate this bomb. It ruins friendships!
I guess I should consider myself lucky, right? People were interested, and that's a good thing. Seriously though, it gets awkward. To the gentlemen readers - pay attention to social cues. Clue #1 - if she's married, don't bring up crushes from ages ago. It will only make her awkward.
Seriously.

So what else is new.

The back is acting up again. I'm worried about training. I started up again (FINALLY) and it was good. And then it wasn't. Just like that. I don't even know the moment on this one, but it got bad. My back hurts like a little bitch and I'm kinda crying for my mommy. Considering going back to swimming. Had started running and it started up. I guess Fu + running these days equals feeling like a little bitch. I will try it again soon though.

So our school is no longer training at the university and we've been building our own Kwoon. This equals construction work although I have to admit I've paid my money but haven't put in as much manual labour as I would like. Being a full-time teacher plus teaching extra-curricular plus a counselling internship plus taking a course equals too busy to do much manual labour. My husband is kinda doing manual labour for both of us which still isn't enough. I do feel some guilt about it, but I am honestly doing the best I can and it's only october and i'm already burnt out.

I've started learning how to meditate. I have a long ways to go, but it really grounds, me, man! I like it. It's calm, and not stressful and it helps me find peace.

I'm a bit drunk. On a thanksgiving monday. I'm classy like that. It's been about a month since I was last drunk. Here's what's up with that:
We're trying to get me knocked up. It didn't work again. I found out today. So with supper I had 2 glasses of scotch on the rocks. It was delicious. The up-side to me being all "trying to conceive" is that on the day that I realize it didn't work, I'm a really, really cheap drunk. So that being said, I'm really disappointed. Again. 2 months. I'm oober stressed anyway, so it's no surprise that it didn't happen, but still.. coming from huge catholic families, you'd think getting pregnant would be super easy, right? I did spend forever working at not getting pregnant, so I guess that's the irony of such things.
I'm really sorry. Optimism is a bit low, but I know it's all good and for the best and all that crap. I'm allowed one night of being a bit bummed out though, right? Conception sucks that way, you get all excited and then all of a sudden it's all like "am I preggers?" and then "oh, I guess it wasn't time" and sometimes it's really not so fun. I wonder what's in the cards for me for real, though. I hope the prego thing happens. I am kinda bummed, at the same time kinda not. It's all scary and I don't know how or when or if it'll happen and, well, being that I'm all "type A" and whatnot, it's not so good. I don't like not being able to micromanage everything. I suppose that's why the universe was all "nope, you're not ready! No soup for you!" on me. Yeah, that's what it's all about! Perhaps it's a lesson on letting go and being patient. I'm gonna take it that way and focus on learning to meditate. All things in their own time. Fingers crossed for a mini awestruck ninja!
That is all. Continue as if you were normal.

facebook - the eternal love hate

I have two major confessions to make.
1) I absolutely hate and detest facebook.
2) I am a facebook addict.

Why the love hate? I must admit, I love peering into other people's lives, and I like displaying the things that are good about mine to those I am close to and even sometimes, gloating to the assholes I went to school with about how much fun I have today. It's kinda fun to see who is on there the most, what they post, what is important to them to show others. The real question for me though is "are people really who their fb profiles say they are? I dare say they probably are not. It makes me sad to think of the people who base their own concepts of how great their lives are on what other people post. Just a thought. Mostly, I like it because it's the fastest way to communicate information. I love that I know how some of my dear friends who live far away are doing almost every week just based on what's been posted.

Why the hate? Oh, the usual government conspiracy domination through facebook blah blah blah. I wonder if they own that photo of the time my roommate and husband and friend all got really drunk playing risk..... that'd make a great magazine ad for "why you shouldn't drink children!" I can just see it now:
This is your brain normally.... this is what you'd look like drunk.... any questions?

That is all. Continue as if you were normal.
-the awe-struck-ninja

Sad thoughts - an Ode to the Departed

Ode to the departed


I had to hold my breath
until I noticed the body
that really wasn't yours
soulless... like putty


I watched your wife cry
in the funeral parlor
in the church
in her father's arms


I watched your father
broken, a shell of a man
your mother by his side
looking like she needed directions


I looked at your wife again
and pretended not to picture
her when she found you
hanging, not swaying


I looked at your brothers
and at your sisters
but had a hard time peering
inside their eyes


I looked inside myself
and found the constant pit
and somehow, I understood

-the awe-struck-ninja

*Just keep running*

Insomnia ridden madness

What is the matter with me? I don't understand why I can be so completely exhausted and then the minute I shut the lights and get into bed, my head gets spinning, and not with anything of any consequence whatsoever. I literally lie there thinking "I wonder if we should invite people over this weekend?" or "what should I make for supper tomorrow?" and even "What will I bring to the park for the day in the park with the students next week? A frisbee? My football?" yeah. Lame. I should be wondering about techniques of killing people with swords or the best way to throw a tornado kick (because clearly, the tornado kick is the best of them all, right? Yeah. Next time I fight someone I'll open with that.... haha - that's a sure way to lose a fight no matter who you are! I wonder if they'll see this kick coming, well, just in case they don't, I'm going to swing my leg in a complete 360 before heading towards the opponent... hah!)

Madness. Insanity. It's all crap.

I tried Zumba today. You'd think after 11 years of kung-fu that I'd be coordinated enough to dance, right? Well, that was a sight to see. Swinging my hips while turning in a circle and trying to do cool arm gestures? Oh, I don't know! Rub belly, pat head and do front kicks? That I could master. Dancing? Not so much. Lots of fun though. The best part was that we all didn't care and we were all there just to have fun.

< rant >
why do parents think it's a good thing to stand up for their kids when their kid didn't study for a test? Why do they think it's the teacher's fault? How do they think it'll help their kids grow up to be better people if they do stupid shit like that? It's completely illogical. How does this sequence make sense:

1) Kid does not listen in class
2) Kid does not study
3) Kid fails quiz and/or test
4) Parent gets upset at the teacher and won't back down
5) (step 5 is optional) Parent makes up lame excuse and goes above the teacher's head to the administration to beg for their kid to get a second chance on said test/quiz
6) Teacher is made to re-test and re-correct and re-grade the kid

Does this logic make sense? What ever happened to.
A + B = C? Why does Z have to intervene and add all these other steps? In the end. The kid learns that when they fuck up, their parents will still think they shit gold.
I digress.
< /rant >

Well, I guess I'm gonna try sleeping again. I also wonder why being tired + going to bed does not = sleep. Let me know if you figure that one out. Maybe it's temporary insanity? Hmm... take out the temporary and I might be on to something....

That is all. Continue as if you were normal.
-The awe-struck-ninja

she's back!!

Wow - it's been ages! I can't believe I forgot to keep this going!

Since the last post (not the Remembrance Day tune), well, a whole lot has happened!
I tended to write mostly about Kung-Fu, so I suppose I'll start there:

After training and the grading being pushed ahead, and then training and the grading being pushed ahead, I finally went for my black belt - and got it! That was over a year ago now... It was an awesome time and I would do it again in a heartbeat! It was exhausting, and nerve-wracking, and stressful and when it was all done, I sat in a corner and cried for a bit. Then, I got to sit on the back of my friend's truck and drink a corona and it was the most delicious beer I've ever had!

I hit a slump after that to say the least. Although I realize grading for a black belt only makes you a serious beginner (that is correct, it teaches you, like always, that you really suck and need to train more - that's the beauty of a belted system!) I found things getting political in our local school and then I got annoyed at pressures being put on without intention from any of the schools. Bottom line, I needed to step back. So step back I did. I think I'm gonna start training again now.

It's been the better part of a year since I've been away from the school, not due to politics but injury (more on that later). Being away reminded me of what I love most about Kung-Fu. At the end of it all, I miss my family and I miss having the group that hurts all the time as bad as I do (from being sore from training hard). I hope the by's are still training hard so that they can put me through hell when I go back. I also hope they don't bug me about being away. Nothing pushes me away like a guilt trip - hey I was raised catholic, ya know! I really miss the gang. A lot.

So, in my Ed. Leave, so to speak, I got into crossfit a bit deeper. Man, that shit is crazy and it's awesome and I LOVE it! I love never knowing what the next workout will be. I love going through the sites to choose exactly the right workout for the day, and I love how it makes me collapse at the end of it no matter what we did. I love that I'm physically getting stronger in ways I never thought possible and, well, obviously, I love how it makes me look physically the more I train. Granted, thanks to max lifts this past december, well, I went out of commission. On a max deadlift, I slipped a disc (partially slipped, I think) in my lower back. I am mostly recovered now. It's been 6 months of hell!!! I'm not one to complain of pain, but when my back was bugging me to the point where I thought it was either a glute or leg injury and I couldn't bend down to tie my shoes, I knew something was wrong. I went to my massage therapist and after a few treatments, we deduced what it was. I spent most of the winter swimming laps at the University's pool.

Swimming laps worked out well, and it was nice to go back to those roots as well. Unfortunately, I don't think much of the fast lane swimmers and I get frustrated in the medium lanes. It's amazing how cocky people can get and how rude others get. After about 3 months of training there, I was finally acknowledged - I felt like I was going into the wild and being accepted among a clan of chimps or something. Chumps, chimps, meh. No offense to them, well, maybe a little bit of offence. It's one thing to want a good workout. It's another thing altogether to be snobby for 3 months of swimming along someone who clearly does keep up just fine and follows proper pool etiquette. Regardless, they're nice to me now, but I don't swim there these days since I'm officially back to doing crossfit and also taking a boot camp with a gang of my coworkers. Starting to get back in shape. Kung-fu again soon, I think as well...

So, on top of all this drama, I also started taking my Masters in Education in Counselling Psychology. It's been a very very very tiring journey. I just finished course #4 this past Thursday night when I submitted my last paper. It was pretty cool to say the least to be done this one - that was the hardest course thus far by a long shot! My puppy (oh yeah, we got 2 dogs since I last wrote on here) had surgery on Friday, and I got to spend Saturday doing whatever I felt like doing all day long!!! I watched some random tv (which I haven't done much of lately), put on a cute little swimsuit, grabbed some beers, some tunes and a good book and read on the back deck for a good while - it felt SO GOOD to relax completely! I felt like I was back in the Dominican! Man, I hope to see more of that this summer!!!!

Major life events other than the last grading since I last posted (In no particular order):
-Got engaged to my chum!
-Got married!
-Bought a mini home
-Sold our mini home
-Bought a real house!
-Got a dog
-Got a 2nd dog.
-Had various other pets that eventually passed away (our rats are all dead as are the birds - the last of which was eaten by one of our dogs...... oops!)

wow - this is one domestic list! For what it's worth, babies are not in the 2-year plan. Not even sure if they're in the 5-year plan. Also, to help that list look a little less domestic (not that there's anything wrong with domestic), I am probably the only bride on this continent to ever do kung-fu forms in a wedding dress. Also, our house contains many many swords and other weapons, and our garage holds workout stuff and no car. There. I feel better.

Beyond that, life's pretty good. I find I've somewhat isolated myself this past year and I am definitely feeling pretty lonely because of it. Oddly enough, I've hit a point where I really need a lot of down time, me-time and space. At the same time, I really need people too. Gotta make more time to be social. I suppose that is one side effect of teaching full-time. You give of yourself all the time so sometimes it's nice to just be a hermit.

I will be posting more, I have lots of rants in me that need to be published somewhere.

That is all for now. Continue as if you were normal.
-the Awe-Struck-Ninja

energizer rabbit ninja nights

so, I get braces tomorrow. For the third time. I got hit by a car 8 years ago and have been having dental work done ever since... something called TMJ. Anyhow, I"m down to 1.5 years left of this crap. I spent a good 20 minutes looking at my teeth in the mirror tonight, flossed twice, and ran my tongue over my ever so soft pearly whites at least .... well, we're in triple digits for sure. I'm gonna miss my normal smile. Ah, 18 months, the countdown starts tomorrow. I'm tired.
Grading is in 3 sleeps. I'm not even nervous anymore. Anxious to be done. I know I"m there and now I have to go prove it. Good times indeed.
My chum is sick tonight. He's curled up and probably sleeping by now. He looks cute. I can't wait to go cuddle in. He's been so fabulous these days with me never shutting up about either kung-fu, or my kids (students) or dental stuff. Either way, the guy has patience. Lots I could elaborate on there. He's definitely my guy. I've never been this way before. It's all new. Not innocent though, and not naive. I've been in a few serious relationships and I know what I'm talking about when it comes to this stuff. This one's different. He knows it all. Knows who I am, the good and the bad. And vice versa. We make sense and we work well together. I know, it sounds cheesy, but I'm just head over heels for this guy. It's stupid happy. That's what it is. I know he'll still be there tomorrow night. Ik now he's not going anywhere, and I'm so ridiculouslyhappy when I get home at the end of the day and he's there, or when I get home and he gets home from work. I just adore the whole thing about it. There's a lot of comfort, and a lot of plain old happiness. When we're talking, it's a real high for both of us. Not stealing energy from each other, just letting it flow evenly. It's really nice.
Right, ninjas don't feel. Ok. haha. whatever. I'm a ninja, and I feel. Ok, if I were to be anything, it'd be a monk who trains because ninjas are the bad guys, but still, its ounds so much cooler, right? I guess that's why I'm awe-struck. How can you be a bad-guy if you're awestruck at the world around you in a positive way, right?
Ok, it's off to sleepy land for me. Big 5-hour dental appointment int he morning. This shoudl be fun. *sigh*
Getting tougher every day. I'll be hard as nails in a few years! :)
That is all. COntinue as if you were normal.
-the awe-struck-ninja

that one moment...

it's there. You're sitting in the ring facing your opponent, and you bow. Begin. It is the most intense feeling in the world when you fight someone. It feels like at that moment, you see the person for the first time. All of the rage, and all of the calm at the exact same time.
I had to fight at the end of class, at the end of an over-tiring day. Started runnign x-country lately, and I overdid it the past two days to the poitn where I injured my hamstring and it hurt to really use it. Then, at the end of a class when I think I'm done for a while, my sifu says he wants tos ee some forms and wants to watch me fight. Of course, he tells me this one thing at a time... well... I'm used to that now. When sifu says tojump, I jump, when he says to fight, I fight. I was exhausted though and I really didn't feel I did well at all. Apparently, everyone else thinks I've improved and I thinkt hat I still suck. Ah, the perils of learningto fight and do martial arts, (particularly kung-fu...) as you continue tod o it, you continue to realize how bad you areally are at it all.
So, I fought my fights. WHen I had to fight my chum, (he's a black sash, and very technically and physically sound hehe... hehe...) I got hit in the diaphram.... really hard. Harder than ever,a ctually. When I breathed in after this, it made the loudest sound.... almost like I was terrified... it hurt and all,a nd it was reallys carry, but mostly it was confusing. I didn't know I could make that sound. So, I panicked.... and kept fighting. I guess that's supposed to be a big step... continuing. My mentality about it all is that if I keep fighting or stop, itll hurt either way, I might as well keep going...
in that one simple moment, a lot of things made a lot of sense. I realized that I can continue no matter how bad it feels. (My hand, well, one of my knuckles was/still is swollen too about 1/2 of a golf ball at this point (hence the typos...s orry).
Then, my sifu talked to me about combinations and footowrk and made me fight again (another unexpected fight), which was fine and all, but I was so tired that I wanted to move faster, and I knew I had to, and I did inspurts, bbut my body just wouldn't really do what I wanted. It was so weird because I generally control it all, but at that point, it was one fight in my head, and what I was doing was completely different. Hmmm. I have much to learn, but it's coming. I'm terrified and not at all scared about the grading all at the same time. Less than a month left. I'm doing it regardless, so I guess being scared doesn't matter.
I'm figuring it out. I think it'll be fine.
I'm gonna stop typing now, my hand hurts.
That is all, continue as if you were normal.
-the awe-struck ninja